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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348103">sleeping through the night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegedly_writing/pseuds/allegedly_writing'>allegedly_writing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Saw (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adam Faulkner-Stanheight Lives, Canon Disabled Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:34:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348103</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegedly_writing/pseuds/allegedly_writing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. He can’t burden Adam with this. He and Adam are alive, they made it, they’re okay. So why can’t he sleep?</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/><i>Lawrence has trouble sleeping after the bathroom.</i></i><br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam Faulkner-Stanheight &amp; Lawrence Gordon, Adam Faulkner-Stanheight/Lawrence Gordon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>sleeping through the night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Back at it again with my Saw bullshit. I just noticed that people tend to not focus on Lawrence's trauma in chainshipping fics so here's traumatized Lawrence. I hope y'all enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been three months. He’s not keeping track on purpose, he swears he’s not. The numbers just keep appearing in his head like clockwork and he knows. Three months since he slept through the night. </p><p>Adam shifts in bed next to him, still asleep.  He’s wearing a plain white shirt but Lawrence knows if he looks under, he’ll see the pinkish-red scar where he was shot. (Where you shot him, don’t be a coward Lawrence). </p><p>He stares at the ceiling. He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. He can’t burden Adam with this. He and Adam are alive, they made it, they’re okay. So why can’t he sleep? How does he explain that he’s scared of the dark, scared the lights will flicker on and he’ll be back at that room recklessly tearing his foot off the ankle- </p><p>He cuts that thought off. He still doesn’t go back to bed, and watches the sun rise through their bedroom window. </p><p>... </p><p> </p><p>He’s on leave from work for the time being. On one hand he’s grateful, adjusting to walking with a prosthetic foot and a cane has taken plenty of time. And it gives him more time to spend with Adam, and with Diana. </p><p>But on the other hand, it’s given him too much time. Too much time to sit around and think. Think about the bathroom, think about where he is now, think about everything he’s done wrong in his life. It’s been long enough, he should be able to let it go. But it keeps sneaking back into his mind. He needs something to occupy his time with. </p><p>Adam is still pursuing photography, though he promises Lawrence he’s not stalking anybody, and Lawrence is glad for him. Inside that gladness is a little note of jealousy that he can’t do that. It’s fine. He’ll come back to work soon, he promises himself. (Once he can finally sleep through the night again, when he’s better, when he’s over it) </p><p>… </p><p> </p><p>Diana stays with him and Adam for the weekend, two months after they start living together, and has a horrible nightmare the first night. She screams and screams for Alison and Lawrence feels a surge of guilt like a new ache as he holds her. </p><p>Diana’s been living with her mother ever since Alison and Lawrence split up. He still gets to see her regularly, and as much as it pains him it’s for the best. They all have adjusting to do and both Allison and Diana have their own experiences to process. He understands that, he does. </p><p>Eventually he gets her back to bed. Adam’s hovering in the hallway, unsure of what to do, he’s too new to Diana to feel confident in helping her. That makes sense, but Lawrence should be able to help. He should but he can’t and it’s pathetic. </p><p>She does much better the next day, to Lawrence’s relief. She’s able to laugh and spend time with him and Adam, but the guilt stays with him even as he enjoys her company. (It’s his fault, all his fault, and he still can’t sleep through the night.) </p><p>… </p><p> </p><p>The first sensation back in his severed leg is pain. He’s a doctor, he knows this, knows about the symptoms of nerve death and recovery. Pain always comes before anything else. But the sharp stabs as he crosses the living room still catch him off guard and his breath nearly catches in his throat. </p><p>(The saw and its sharp teeth tearing into his foot, blood seeping out all over the white tiled floor- ) </p><p>“Lawrence? You okay?” He snaps out of it, shaking his head a little, and sees Adam watching him from the kitchen as he’s making them breakfast. There’s a concerned look on his face. </p><p>Lawrence forces what he hopes is a reassuring smile. He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. </p><p>“Fine. Just stumbled a bit.” It’s not entirely a lie, he’d leaned too heavily on his prosthetic and made it shift slightly, but it’s not the entire truth. </p><p>Adam doesn’t look convinced but he doesn’t argue. If he sticks a little closer to Lawrence after that, like he’s waiting to catch him, Lawrence pretends he doesn’t notice. It makes him feel  vulnerable, he’s not sure how to feel about it. </p><p>Adam shouldn’t be looking after him, he’s fine. Adam, with his bullet scar and his healing fractured collarbone, shouldn’t be looking after him. Not when it's his fault.</p><p>... </p><p>It’s dark. He can’t see his hand in front of his face until the lights flash on and then the brightness overwhelms him. As does the idea that he’s going to die in this room, away from his family and they’ll die too and it’s all his fault-</p><p>“Lawrence! Lawrence!” He jerks awake, he’s not in the bathroom, he’s in bed with Adam and he’s fine he’s fine he’s fine-</p><p>“You’re okay, you’re okay, it was just a bad dream.” Those are Adam’s arms around him, holding him, and he settles into them, taking shaky breathes. It’s still dark in their room, it must be the middle of the night. Three months and fifteen days since he slept through the night, his brain reminds him. </p><p>“I’m fine.” He says. Adam scoffs a little and shakes his head. </p><p>“Bullshit. You’re shaking.” He hasn’t even noticed but he is, and he can’t stop himself. </p><p>“I’m fine.” He repeats. Adam sighs a little and doesn’t say anything for a moment. When he starts to talk again, his voice is a little softer around the edges than usual. </p><p>“I know you think you have to be the big strong Daddy all the time-” Lawrence rolls his eyes a little, Adam ignores this and keeps talking like he didn’t notice. </p><p>“But you don’t have to be. I promise.” Adam finishes. Lawrence feels a rush of gratitude towards him.  </p><p>“Thank you.” It’s all he can manage to say but Adam seems to understand and kisses him on the head. The pair of them settle into companionable silence, and Adam’s breathing eventually slows, indicating he’s fallen asleep with his arms still encasing Lawrence. Lawrence closes his own eyes too. </p><p>He’s able to sleep through the rest of the night. It’s a start.</p>
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